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How do you deal with the emotional issues of single-parent children?

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How do you deal with the emotional issues of single-parent children?

Source：Senior Lecturer Tang Hau-yu of the Department of Psychology at the Education University of Hong Kong.

Actually, every child may have emotional issues, and it is difficult to say that children from single-parent families will definitely have certain problems. However, it can be imagined that children from single-parent families may exhibit some behaviors to attract attention because their parents spend less time with them. Especially when they use negative behaviors to attract your attention, the reason is that they do not have a sense of security. On the other hand, children may self-doubt and feel that they are not good enough or not obedient, which causes their parents to divorce.

When faced with this situation, parents should first make their children feel loved. In daily life, they should give them more affirmation and tell them how much they love them, so that they know that even though their parents have separated, it will not change their parents’ love for them. When allocating childcare responsibilities, parents can communicate more to avoid neglecting their children. For example, if a child has a special activity at school that requires a parent’s presence, parents should try to arrange for at least one parent to attend. If possible, grandparents and other relatives, such as aunts or uncles, can also participate.

Firstly, it can reduce the burden on the parents, and secondly, the child can continue to grow up in a loving environment. However, giving children more love does not mean indulging them. Some divorced parents may indulge their children to make up for their shortcomings, even giving them extremely rich material pleasures to alleviate their guilt. Actually, love does not mean indulgence, and it also includes appropriate discipline, with clear rewards and punishments. When children do something right, they should be affirmed, and when they make mistakes, they should be corrected. This is the only way for them to grow up healthy.

In addition, I think it is essential for parents to first deal with their own emotions. The process of divorce involves many experiences that others may not understand. Parents themselves have many issues to deal with, such as emotional processing and caring for their children. The pressure they face is not easy. Parents must first realize this and understand that divorce is not an easy thing. They need to give themselves and their children space to accept and acknowledge the situation. When needed, seek help, and when feeling lost, find someone to talk to.

If emotions continue without changing, it is important to seek help from professionals such as counselors. Do not carry all the stress and burdens on your own. Parents need to have a healthy emotional state first in order to help their children manage their emotions.

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Should parents stop children throwing toys?

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Should parents stop children throwing toys?

Source：Registered Educational Psychologist, Pang Chi Wah

When parents encounter children in the toddler stage picking up toys, they will throw, throw, throw! In fact, this is a normal developmental process, especially between the ages of 1 and 2. Because picking up toys and throwing them causes objects fall down, it is easier to see the cause-and-effect relationship.

Pick up, let go, and there will be sound and action. The action means that after he does the action, the object will fall down and feel very funny. However, as he grows older, he should stop throwing toys. It is not appropriate for parents to stop him and say that it is wrong for him to throw toys again. He may not know what is right and wrong, but he finds it fun. Parents can appropriately let him continue to throw and set some rules so that he throws into some of the appropriate ranges. Even with the wrong color, it does not matter; at least put it back in the appropriate range.

Parents can also let him throw the ball; it can be thrown relatively far away. In the home area, you can use some trays or different boxes so he can throw it in like a storage toy. Of course, ask him to be a little less forceful. Another thing that is very important is that parents remember to pay attention to the fact that if you tell him not to throw when he throws, it will strengthen his desire to throw. Because this statement is not positive enough, parents should remember that when he throws the toy, they should not say, “Do not throw the toy again.” Instead, you can say, “We try to slowly put it down.” Put it here, a little more gently.”

On the one hand, we provide opportunities for him to throw himself appropriately into the environment, and on the other hand, we speak in a positive way to guide him on what he should do so that there is a chance to improve his behavior.

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Why don’t children want to do homework ?

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Why don't children want to do homework ?

Source: Senior Parenting Education Expert, Bally

After school every day, asking children to sit down and do homework is like sending them to war. Usually, there are several reasons why children do not like or do not want to do their homework. How can parents help their children?

First, they really do not know how to do it. How can we tell if they really don’t know how to do it? I have found that many children go home and find that 80% of the homework requires parent guidance, so they can’t handle it on their own and naturally wait for their parents to come home. From the parents’ perspective, they will feel that their children do not want to do homework.

Second, the child actually understands how to do the homework 80% of the time, but they actually want their parents to accompany them, so they will fight for time with their parents. Once the parents are together, they pretend not to understand. In fact, they are not trying not to understand but are unconsciously hoping for their parents to accompany them and do homework together.

Third, they may be too tired. The parents may not have given the children a proper schedule, causing them to do homework in an unfavorable state, which is why they don’t want to do it.

If the child does not understand how to do the homework at first, the parents should communicate effectively with the school. If the school is willing to adjust the level of homework to suit the child, the parents won’t have to worry about the level difference. If the child doesn’t like doing homework, over time they will dislike going to school and eventually lose motivation to learn. Therefore, we must communicate with the school to see if they can give him some easier homework so that the child can enjoy the process of doing homework.

If the school is unable to cooperate, then the parents need to think about how to guide from the sidelines. Let the child gradually take some courses that start from easy to difficult on weekends, or give some words that the child can recognize, or through some games, let the child understand and slowly enjoy doing homework.

In fact, the biggest concern in the education sector is that students have already resisted learning, resisting going to school, and resisting doing homework. So we must seriously face the reasons why children are unwilling to do homework. Some children love to stick with their parents, but what do most parents do with their children when they get home now in our society? It’s doing homework; this is their only parent-child time. If the only parent-child time is not good or pleasant, it will cause many problems in the family or marriage.

If the child does not want to do homework and just wants to wait for the parents, the parents can play with and accompany the child while doing homework. You can read a book or do something similar to homework near the child, such as bringing work home to do, to make the child feel like you are accompanying them and both of you are doing something.

A worrying situation is when many parents say, “Okay, you do it; I’ll be here,” but in reality, they are watching TV, using their phone, or playing games. This makes the child feel that you are not really accompanying them and that you are not doing the same thing. Even if the child knows how to do most of it, it is preferable for the parent to spend some time watching him or her do it rather than doing something else. Continuously complimenting him/her while watching: “Good job; you can really do it!” gives more praise, which is the best approach.

If the child reaches the end of the K3 school term, they have already grown up and are quite independent. Parents may believe, “They are so big now, I shouldn’t go with them to do their homework anymore.” But in reality, parents should have a schedule in place for their children to follow from a young age. For example, when the child comes home from school, they need to take a break, have a snack, and play for a while. After maybe half an hour or 45 minutes, it’s time for homework.

In K1 and K2, parents can accompany their child while they do homework. But when they reach K3, parents can use a reward system. For example, “If I come home from work today and see that you have finished your homework, I will give you a sticker.” “If you are well-behaved and take a bath after finishing your homework, I will give you another sticker.” Give the child a schedule to follow and reward them with stars or hearts for each sticker they earn. On the child’s schedule, if they accumulate enough stars in a week, the mother should make some promises, such as going to the park. The rewards are best for parent-child activities, not toys, gifts, or candy.

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What constitutes a language development delay in a child?

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What constitutes a language development delay in a child?

Source: Speech Therapist, Mok Yee Tuen

Typically, babies start making sounds as soon as they are born, such as different crying sounds to express their demands. From 4 to 8 months, they start babbling, which is part of the language preparation period. Children actually go through a ladder of language development, starting with just learning single words and ending with being able to tell stories with their words.

Babies from 9 months to 1 year generally start producing their first meaningful word, such as “ba,”  “ma,” or “ball ball.” From 1 to 2 years old, their understanding and vocabulary expression increase greatly, with the accumulation of single words forming two-word phrases, such as “mommy drink” and “eat bun bun.”

From 2 to 3 years old, children generally speak in longer sentences and can express different needs. For example, they like to add a word to the two-word phrases, forming three-word combinations, such as “Daddy eat bun” and “I want grandma.” Some children start using adjectives, such as “sister eats a big apple.”

Young children generally recognize more different sentences and start using conjunctions after 3 and a half years old, and by 5 years old, they slowly understand how to combine different sentences and use more conjunctions and start to narrate things logically, that is, by telling stories.

In fact, the language development of young children is slightly different for each person, but through empirical research, we also have some important reference indicators to see if a child may have a speech delay.

The first is that there are no words at 2 years old.

Second, no sentences appear before the age of three.

The third is that speech is unclear and hard to understand after 3 years old,

Fourth, sentences are still unclear after 5 years old.

If the child is not speaking more and more as they grow, parents should seek the help of a professional to assess and train them as soon as possible.

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Learn to shop with real money

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Learn to shop with real money

Written by : New Horizons Development Centre Registered Educational Psychologist Pang Chi Wah

                    Registered Educational Psychologist Pang Chi Wah

Under the epidemic, many families have become accustomed to shopping online, which is convenient and fast and frees up more time for other tasks. Even in everyday purchases, there is often no need to pay cash directly, for example, when taking transportation or shopping at convenience stores, you only need to use your Octopus to complete the payment process without using any coins. When everyone is used to it, and children already know how to use this kind of electronic money, is there any problem? In fact, “convenience” can sometimes stifle the knowledge that can be gained in the learning process.

Just think about it, the use of credit cards by adults is also convenient for shopping, but it can be a big challenge to our financial management skills because we need to be very disciplined in order not to exceed our budgets or “spend money in the future”. A young man once confessed that when he was growing up, his family was richer, and when he saw his family paying for things after dinner or at the department store, all he had to do was sign for them; when he wanted to buy something, his family would also go along with his wishes and sign for it. But it was not until he started working that he realized that he still needed to pay for something other than his signature. Money is found to be limited. Is it too late to start learning financial control at that moment?

Parents are encouraged to give their children opportunities to make actual purchases in their daily lives when they are young. This helps to enhance their cognitive understanding, mathematical concepts and, more importantly, their general knowledge and habits of financial management. For example, ask them to pay in cash instead of electronically when buying food from convenience stores or subway tickets. Even though parents may need to spend more time in the process, they may not have a complete concept of money yet, but their actual participation can easily generate curiosity and observation, and gradually feel or understand the value of different items.

Parents can teach them to recognize money at different levels as they grow up, and when teaching them to actually buy things, they must add fun learning or activity elements. First, parents can provide them with opportunities at home to learn about different coins or bills, such as the difference between one and two dollars and the colors of different bills. Second, when they have mastered the basic concepts, parents can ask them to change the coins or bills that they are instructed to change. Further, once they know how to pay in one direction, parents can guide them to take back the money they have redeemed. Finally, when they are learning to buy, they need to know if they are getting the right amount of money, and the amount or complexity of the amount can increase as their cognitive level increases!

In general, parents do not need to give up paying electronically in their daily life, as long as they have enough coins or banknotes for learning on weekends or when appropriate. For example, when taking a bus, take out the coins and actually check them, or when buying something, count the money provided by the parents and try to feel the actual purchase, if it is really inconvenient, parents can use electronic means to complete the transaction simultaneously.

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Siblings often quarrel with each other and the role of parents is especially important.

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Siblings often quarrel with each other and the role of parents is especially important.

Written by : Founder of Family Dynamics

                   Marriage and Family Therapist

                   Children Play Therapist    Ng Yee Kam


In recent play therapy cases, several of the children’s emotional problems were related to their young siblings’ relationship. Most of these problems were not caused by major arguments, but rather by subtle interactions in which each child was seeking the mother’s attention, comparing how much positive feedback they received from each other, and comparing who the mother “loved” more! Children often fight with each other because they are jealous of their siblings and take the opportunity to vent their frustrations.

 

It is true that everyone is “biased” and so are parents. Both inborn and nurtured personalities can lead to a preference for certain behaviors and behavioral patterns. If parents do not think about this, they will not suddenly become more open-minded because their children are their own.

 

Parents may be more appreciative of certain traits and more resistant to certain traits in their children’s different personalities. This is understandable. The problem is that parents must be aware of this situation and be aware of it and allow themselves to grow beyond the narrow framework of their parental role, increase the breadth and width of their own vision, learn to appreciate the differences in their children’s personalities, and appreciate their children’s unique strengths from the bottom of their hearts, and pass them on in their daily lives so that their children can receive them and affirm themselves. This will prevent the problem of sibling rivalry from worsening and causing unnecessary jealousy and suspicion in children.

 

The mother’s role is especially important during the early years of a child’s life because the quality of the mother’s interaction with the child has a critical impact on the child’s self-worth and sense of security. In these recent cases, it was not uncommon to find that the children had a sibling in the family who was cheerful, understanding, and liked to express herself, and was well liked by adults and teachers. I could see the mother’s joy and pride when describing her child. No wonder the children in these cases often felt compared to the others because they were more introverted, reticent, shy and cautious.

One mother was aware of the need to appreciate her son’s abilities, so she kept praising him, but in terms of character, she inadvertently encouraged her son to follow her sister’s example by expressing himself more and integrating into the group. However, this is not the nature of the child’s character and makes the child suspect that there must be something wrong with his or her character that cannot be accepted by the mother. This internal pain can easily turn into jealous emotions towards the elder sister, making the parents feel that the child’s attitude towards his/her sister is unreasonable, and further preventing the child from breaking out of this negative cycle.

 

I suggest that parents should not compare their children. For children who are more introverted, shy, reticent and cautious, they should be more reassuring: ” You do not need to force yourself to play with children like your brother, you quietly observe is already a kind of participation, when you feel at ease then go out to play is not too late. Or, “Not every child needs to be as talkative as their elder sister or like to perform in front of people; Mom likes it when you can express yourself as you see fit. “

For children who are more reactive and impulsive, listen to them first and then help them correct their behavior if it is safe to do so: “You are reacting so strongly to hit your brother, you must feel very angry inside, let me hear how you feel, okay? Sometimes parents do have to deal with their children “fighting for something,” but more often than not, what parents need to do is to meet their children’s psychological and emotional needs and affirm their true nature, so that their children can naturally get along well.

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Before becoming enraged at their children, parents should ask themselves these       three questions

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Before becoming enraged at their children, parents should ask themselves these three questions

Written by: Caritas Rehabilitation Services,Clinical Psychologist, Yu Kwok Ting

Some parents may be more impulsive and even have a habit of blaming their children for  problems such as disobedience, deliberate anger, or naughtiness. When children fail to do what they want, they become angry with their parents, but this will gradually alienate them from their parents, which will damage the parent-child relationship in the long run.

Parents’ personalities, families of origin, and parenting methods learned in different ways  will affect parent-child relationships. And the adults’ thoughts will influence their mood. If adults find themselves in frequent conflicts with children, which affect the parent-child relationship, we can ask ourselves three questions.

1. Whether there are other possibilities

If a child is not able to do all the homework required by his or her parents, the first thing the parents think is that the child is just having fun and not doing homework, but the real reason may be that they do not know how to do it and need parental guidance. If parents take preconceived notions as facts, they may ignore the needs and difficulties of their children and damage the parent-child relationship

3. Whether one’s own thoughts have been confirmed

Some parents often say that their child is “deliberately annoyed” and then see their child’s  behavior as disobedience, but perhaps the reason for the child’s behavior is carelessness, but the parents are influenced by their subjective feelings and misunderstand their child.

3. Are your thoughts helpful to the goal?

If a parent’s goal is to mend the parent-child relationship, but he or she often holds the idea that the child is “deliberately working against him or her,” is this thinking really helpful to his or her goal? Parents can try to find more realistic and justifiable ideas to help them achieve their goals.

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Three steps to teach children to eat on their own

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Three steps to teach children to eat on their own

Written by: Senior Parenting Specialist,Bally

When children go to school, they have to eat on their own. It is not an easy challenge to teach children to eat well, as they have to eat attentively and refrain from playing with food. In fact, parents only need three steps to teach their children to eat on their own.

First, parents need to teach their children to eat on their own. Parents are frequently anxious for their children to finish their meals quickly, fearing that they will not eat and will have to be fed by their parents. In fact, starting at 6 months of age, children should get used to using their own hands to put food in their mouths, with parents only assisting them.

Parents should let their children pick up the utensils and eat by themselves so that they do  not just get fed but also get a sense of participation and motivation to eat.

Second, help children with hand-eye coordination. Sometimes children may not be able to  hold the utensils properly because of their own hand-eye coordination issues and may be angry and not eat. Parents can use words to remind children how to move the utensils backwards and forwards, or they can train children’s coordination skills on a daily basis so  that they can cope with the challenges of eating on their own and reduce the difficulties they encounter.

Third, give praise and encouragement. Children will inevitably encounter difficulties and   frustrations when learning to eat. If parents keep scolding, “Why is it so messy?” “Why do you eat so slowly?” Naturally, children will not be able to enjoy food and will not eat on    their own initiative for fear of being scolded when they see food.

If parents provide encouragement at this time and praise their children when they do, they will continue to be courageous and overcome the frustration of learning to eat. Parents should also remember that when children are eating on their own, don’t clean up after them, as this will prevent them from trying to eat on their own.

In addition, parents often misunderstand that their children do not eat. In fact, children just don’t like certain dishes, and if parents force them to eat, it forms a vicious cycle.

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Spinal problems should not be ignored. How to do the test at home?

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Spinal problems should not be ignored. How to do the test at home?

Written by : Chiropractor, Dr. Wan Man Ho

Children are prone to sitting problems, even scoliosis and kyphosis. Parents should find out their children’s problems early and make corrections. But how can parents tell when their children have scoliosis and kyphosis problems?

For scoliosis, parents can try the Adam Test, a common test used by chiropractors, by asking a child to bend forward with his hands on the ground and see if there is a problem with the muscles on either side of the spine. If there is, it means that there is a high probability of scoliosis.

In terms of kyphosis, it means looking from the side, the head is in front of the body, as if  the neck is stretched out, or the head is bowed for a long time and the shoulders are bent forward. Most children in Hong Kong have a functional condition, and often, as long as they are reminded to sit up straight, they will be able to sit up straight and stop having a kyphosis.

To improve the kyphosis, the most important thing is to open both shoulders, use the strength of the waist to lift the chest, and bring the chin back near the head. This is the most correct sitting posture and will improve the kyphosis.

Spine problems are related to the foot?

Some children have flat feet, resulting in a bit of in-toeing or out-toeing. The shape of the  foot will slowly affect the pelvis and create some highs and lows.

If a child often bumps his knees when learning to walk or even trips over himself after a    few steps, this may be a case of in-toeing or even an imbalance of the feet.

If your child has any of these problems, you should take him or her to a professional, such as a chiropractor, physiotherapist, or even a podiatrist, to get checked out. 

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Don’t be the “audience” for your child’s “acting”

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Don't be the "audience" for your child's "acting"

Written by: Founder & Volunteer Director of Good Love Passion　

　　　         Lam Ho Pui Yee

Praise is often misunderstood and misused. Some parents think that praise is a “cure-all” medicine and that their children will accept any praise they are given. In fact, children can’t accept sarcastic praise, and it will only turn them off and backfire. Appropriate praise is more effective than harsh punishment. Some comments can be hurtful and can even affect a child’s personality development for the rest of his or her life. Successful parents take advantage of opportunities to praise or encourage their children, as timely and appropriate praise can be motivating and inspiring, enabling children to grow in the right direction.

Smile and make eye contact at the same time

When praising your child, parents must smile and look into your child’s eyes at the same time. Such sincere feelings are the happiest and overflowing. Because praise is a double-edged sword – the right kind of praise will make a person feel confident and happy and move forward, but the wrong kind of praise will make a child lose his or her way and stagnate.

For example, when a child refuses to “sit down”, the parent should say “please sit down” with a matching expression. If the child is willing to comply, the parent can praise him immediately and then play a fun game with him. But if the child still does not comply, the parent can immediately take the child away from the scene to divert attention and guide him to follow instructions. Or when you tell the child to put the toy away, but he still looks at you and tosses the toy, testing to see if you will let him go. You can then say to him in a calm and gentle tone, “Please put the toys away gently,” or “Let’s learn to put away the toys together, okay?

Guide your child to understand that expression is appropriate

Parents don’t have to tolerate their children’s bad behavior and minimize arguing or reassuring remarks, which only gives the child more room to continue “acting out” because they have found an “audience”, and some children may even be aggravated by your ignoring them or getting upset. We need to guide our children to understand that the only way to get what they want is to express themselves in an appropriate way. As long as the parent persists, the child will understand that the behavior will not get the parent’s attention and will naturally give up.

If the child stops this behavior, the parent can respond immediately by praising him for being quiet and then diverting his attention to other activities. Whenever a child receives praise from others, he or she will naturally exude confidence and joy, as well as a sense of trust and affection for the person who praised him or her. However, the repetition of a single form of praise over time can be ineffective, so parents should be careful to be creative in their praise.

Pay attention to the tone of voice and lead by example

Children are a gift from God, and it is only through love that other aspects of accomplishment do not become a form of bragging and pride. The difference in the tone of voice is enough to affect the parent-child relationship of detachment or closeness. Parents’ emotions and behaviors are related to their children’s future learning attitudes and personality traits. Because children mostly learn by groping and imitation, children will observe their parents’ treatment of others and use of words and phrases to learn their own emotional management and interpersonal relationships, so the importance of parents leading by example cannot be ignored. Even a hug, a smile or a look can establish a kind of appreciation. Parents are far more influential to children than teachers or peers. The more encouragement a child receives as they grow, the better it will be for their future development.

Each child has different characteristics, and parents should observe and explore their potential, allowing them to develop according to their strengths. “Encouragement helps children to grow, while scolding makes them timid. But the two must go hand in hand and not be biased.” Only through a clear distinction between rewards and punishments can children feel loved by their parents and know how to face mistakes and take responsibility for their own development.

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